So I guess this is our beginning. This is our first impression. This is awkward for me. I don’t know where I’m planning on going with this. I’m sure this his awkward for the both of us. I’m just going to move past this. 

  I know everyone says their life should be made into a move. But my life should be made into a movie. As of writing this very piece, my cousin just had her baby and I guess that’s pretty rough. My uncle just got out of jail and is kinda some what having seizures but he says it cool so like I don’t know….ok I guess. Cool with him cool with me. 

And this is just today. My whole life is intense from the moment I get my venti iced soy caramel latte with the sippy lid to when I have my chamomile tea in bed with my man. Yes, MY man, bitch. Some may say that I’m theatrical, eccentric, just too much sometimes. But I think I’m all of the above and then some. 

You know when you’re doing something, and you totally appreciate it and stuff, but you know you could do so much more. Like you don’t mind what you do and you could totally see yourself going in that direction and it seems like a good thing, but you know know if you’re one hundred about it. That’s how I feel about work. Unless my employer is reading this then John I totally love my job, but I think I’m capable for so much more and that’s why I’m starting this blog.

This is a lot about me for now, let’s talk about me still but more about my life right now. My uncle is in my living room fresh out of the pound. He got jumped in there and broke his ankle, kinda deserved it for beating up a prostitute on crystal. My cousin had a baby this morning, totally happy for her she going to do great, but the baby isn’t doing so well. Super scary and I just wish her the best of luck. Updates to come.

My life as a whole, unedited, raw, uncut, is pretty bland. I work an office job at a real estate agency (again totally cool) and I sleep, eat and repeat. Expect a client that gets emotional like we all do, came in again crying today but I totally cleaned that whole mess up. I was like hell no bitch not today and I pulled her up by her boot straps and I was like lets go bitch how was your Easter. Ugh I have like magic powers over women, especially old people. They’re the only ones that actually think about me. They say stuff like “You are the most pleasant and well mannered young man. Any girl would be special to date a gentleman like you. I actually have a grand daughter that’s about your age that you should talk to, she’s a sophomore at Holly High School.” Thanks… but no thanks. Do you have a 35-45ish year old son with commitment issues and a fist with at least a 6′ diameter? Sign me the fuck up. I should say that I have a man and he doesn’t fit that description in the slightest.

Chris is a nice boy, 24, super cute, perfect butt. Well, anyways we’ve been together for 6 years this Friday, April 26th. He pushes me and I push him. We’re a great couple, but for some reason all the porn I watch goes to whats referenced above. Maybe I have self body issues and that’s not the kind of guy I’m attracted to, but maybe the guy I want to be? I’m you’re 5′6  125 pound twink. Once at the club a guy read my palm and the told be that right now is my peak, but once I hit 25 then this little boy look like I’ve been unable to outgrow, is going to look creepy and my death is inevitable. That’s only 1 ½ years away and I can already feel my powers being drained. The local high schoolers on Grindr are showing me up and I just can’t even complete. No shit this kid wore a clear plastic outfit to the club, the only think you count see through was the black thong, but you could hardly see that. 

 In my prime I could’ve showed them bitches up, but I’m not Mariah Carey and I’m getting old, quick. My knees crack every time I get up, my back constantly hurts, and sometimes I feel hungover even when I didn’t drink the day before. Getting old hasn’t been god awful though, I have learned things over the years. 1) The best person to trust is yourself. 2) Cute goes deep. And that’s it. There’s also things I need to learn like 1) Not everyone is going to like you. 2) Don’t get your hopes up too early.

With this, I’m imaging almost like a diary of some sorts, like a place to unwind, talk about my day, a therapy session without the therapist. Instead I’m in my room, with a glass of wine, in my silk robe, with my feet up facemark on with people fanning me with leaves and feeding my grapes. Fucking. Glamorous. I know. That would totally be cool but actually I’m wearing a Never Shout Never band tee from 6th grade I got at hot topic and I’m eating easy Mac (white cheddar, 7/10). 

This is just going all over the place now isn’t it. This is the first god damn post and we’re starting off messy. But maybe that’s how it should be, messy. Maybe this blog is going to make someone feel good about them selves. “At least I’m doing better than this guy” kind of thing. Or maybe you’ll just laugh and share it to a friend and this might end up on some click bait article on Facebook my grandam is going to find and tag me in. Maybe this blog is just going to die out and I’m never going to post again. This is it. This is the one post. Just a single frame into my glorious, fabulous, extravagant life. But maybe not who the fuck knows I can’t make up my mind. I basically wake up everyday a brand new bitch. New goals, new ideas, new everything. I think this is me trying to find myself, but maybe I’m having an identity crisis who the hell knows.

 I could go on and on about me but I don’t want to spill all my beans in one basket. This is it. This is me. This is my life and all my underlying traumas coming at you. Raw and uncut and you’re just hoping there’s enough lube.


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